Ever noticed Tinkerbell tugging at her fringe/bangs whenever she's upset? Well, I do too. The only difference is I go above and beyond. Everyone has their own secrets. I have a lot. More or less a curse I have been shackled on and has hindered me from (almost) everything to for a very long time — Trichotillomania.
I have been suffering from Trichotillomania for 8-and a half years now and, unfortunately and without a doubt with a deep sigh, counting. Although a few months ago I've slowly gained the courage and found ways on telling my friends what my problem really is, I still find it hard to explain what trich is.
To be quite honest, am still anxious what to answer if ever someone asks me why I never change my hairstyle or how thin my hair is compared to theirs or why I have a lot of baby hairs growing out of my head, so on and so forth. But as much as I want to tell you what I've been through and as much as I want to enlighten you with what my sickness is, I can't. I can't because it's not an easy topic to be talked about. I can't because it's not easy to absorb a problem that seems very surreal for someone who hasn't met anyone with trichotillomania or someone who was never been aware this kind of sickness existed.
I can't because I fear judgement and I remember bad judgement for the rest of my life. I can't because sometimes I find "bakit mo kasi ginawa yun" very offensive as I never chose to have acquired it in the first place. Because even if I could, I would've picked out a different illness that's very far from it. Because hiding it behind the (very overused) reason of "dahil sa maling shampoo" is a lot easier than explaining it whilst watching someone's face turn into full mode disgust and confused.
It's not easy to explain trichotillomania because it the deepest and darkest part of me I would never want anyone to get close to or even find out — I don't want to scare anyone away with me being me.
It's not easy to explain trichotillomania because the tricky part of having Trich is not only am I insecure with my looks but I'm insecure of everything else. I question my worth; I ask myself if I deserve whatever it is that I have at the moment, if I can make people stay with me, if I'm worth loving or keeping for a long time, so on and so forth.
With trich, not only do I have the tendency to pull at my strands but I have the tendency to overthink which leads to anxiety – which is the root of it all – then leads to more depression which triggers the OCD to kick in. I am also writing this so whoever reads this may get a gist of what OCD really is: It's not a term you use if you want something organized or clean. Its meaning beyond that.
To be quite honest, am still anxious what to answer if ever someone asks me why I never change my hairstyle or how thin my hair is compared to theirs or why I have a lot of baby hairs growing out of my head, so on and so forth. But as much as I want to tell you what I've been through and as much as I want to enlighten you with what my sickness is, I can't. I can't because it's not an easy topic to be talked about. I can't because it's not easy to absorb a problem that seems very surreal for someone who hasn't met anyone with trichotillomania or someone who was never been aware this kind of sickness existed.
I can't because I fear judgement and I remember bad judgement for the rest of my life. I can't because sometimes I find "bakit mo kasi ginawa yun" very offensive as I never chose to have acquired it in the first place. Because even if I could, I would've picked out a different illness that's very far from it. Because hiding it behind the (very overused) reason of "dahil sa maling shampoo" is a lot easier than explaining it whilst watching someone's face turn into full mode disgust and confused.
It's not easy to explain trichotillomania because it the deepest and darkest part of me I would never want anyone to get close to or even find out — I don't want to scare anyone away with me being me.
It's not easy to explain trichotillomania because the tricky part of having Trich is not only am I insecure with my looks but I'm insecure of everything else. I question my worth; I ask myself if I deserve whatever it is that I have at the moment, if I can make people stay with me, if I'm worth loving or keeping for a long time, so on and so forth.
With trich, not only do I have the tendency to pull at my strands but I have the tendency to overthink which leads to anxiety – which is the root of it all – then leads to more depression which triggers the OCD to kick in. I am also writing this so whoever reads this may get a gist of what OCD really is: It's not a term you use if you want something organized or clean. Its meaning beyond that.
I used to think trich defined me as a person for a very very very long time but I know better now since I've matured and developed the sense of loving myself even more. I still get bad days, the pulling hasn't stopped completely although sometimes I don't pull as much as I would normally do. I'm going to get better someday. Someday.
